Winds of Change

Have you ever asked yourself the question ¨Where is God?¨ I sure have. I´ve asked it a million times, and more than once over the past few weeks. Now that I think about it, it was really more of  a ¨Why-don´t-I-feel-God-in-this-particular-part-of-my-life-called-TODAY¨ type of feeling. Yeah. That´s the one. That´s the question. It´s like you know He´s there, but you just can´t feel Him much.

And have you ever felt those exact feelings right at the time when you felt you needed Him most? I have.

As I was packing up my things a week and a half ago, I became so emotionally overwhelmed that I felt I couldn´t go on. So, of course, I did what most 20 something- year olds would do...I took a facebook break. As I was looking at recent pictures posted, the loneliness was eating away at me, and I was silently lamenting my pain and asking God why He felt so far away.

Suddenly, I felt Him nudging my heart, telling me to go back and look at pictures that were taken when I first moved to Peru, almost two years ago. As I began to go back and look at these pictures, I remembered the feelings I felt, the challenges I was facing as I was adjusting to living here. Then I felt it again...He was talking to me. He said, Nancy my hand was with you then, guiding and directing you. My hand has always been with you- through this whole journey. What makes you think I will stop guiding you now?

http://tinyurl.com/79jcuta

You see, these words meant so much to me at this time, because I had felt Him calling me out of my comfort zone...yes, yet again. To something terrifying, new and fantastic.

When I visited Peru for the first time over two years ago, I honestly didn´t think God would call me to South America long-term. But He did. I didn´t know I´d live in an orphanage in Ventanilla, Lima for nearly a year teaching English and the Bible. I didn´t know He´d move my heart to become a house church planter in Ventanilla for almost a year. But, He did.

And now, he was calling me to yet another place. You see, I had come to Chorrillos, which is one of the forty-three districts of Lima (about two and a half hours from Ventanilla) and only planned to stay a day or two...a few days at max. Our sweet friend, Amanda, who is from Tyler, Texas and also is a missionary here in Peru along with her husband, Shaun, (cool, huh?!) had invited me to come spend some time with them, because she knew I was not doing well. God had brought up several things in my personal life and ministry, and I had also made some decisions that had caused me to be in a spot where I just needed some help. So, I headed out to Chorrillos to spend some time with Amanda and Shaun. When I arrived in Chorrillos, I slept for the better part of three straight days and nights. When I realized how absolutely worn out I was in every area of my life, I knew I had worked myself into a bad spot.  

Over a period of a few months, the Lord began to work on my heart and call me closer to Himself. He began to define the specifics of my identity in Him, and my identity in the body of Christ. As painful issues in my life were surfacing, He reminded that He was right there with me, holding me. There were so many days that I just spent time in my room with the light out, laying in bed, just listening, asking Him to speak. And He did. One of the most life-changing things that He told me was that I needed to be in Chorrillos.  I can pinpoint that specific moment when I felt God calling me to be a part of the team in Chorrillos, but, to be honest, I doubted it and fought it. I asked God for confirmation, and even with my Gideon-like spirit, asking him for water on the fleece, God so mercifully gave me that confirmation through being able to talk with Lauren and realizing that God was calling us to two different places. 

That was probably the most difficult part...telling Lauren goodbye. If we´re being honest, really felt like more of a break-up than anything. When you´ve spent two years of your life with someone who sees you on your good days AND bad days, knows what your pet-peeves and the kind of stuff you like and who can even give you 26 birthday presents on your 26th birthday and be spot-on on almost every single one of them, and knows you down to the point that they can predict your next move, it´s hard to leave that person. Not because of anything they´ve done or haven´t done, but because of the bond you have together, the times you´ve shared together. Trying to explain that you are leaving that person, and it´s not because of anything they have or haven´t done, but because you know you have to be obedient to what God is calling you to do is extremely hard. It´s realizing that you are in a place where you need healing. 

Really, a blow to pride too if we´re being honest, because you´re facing up to the facts: that are issues in your life that you need to deal with. It´s facing your issues instead of running from them. And not really knowing what ministry will look like through the healing process or after it, but trusting that God does know what´s best, and that is what you go on. It´s knowing that you need accountability and community, and realizing that it´s something you have to intentionally make moves to be a part of. It´s trusting that God will care for those you have to leave, and that He will provide for all of their needs.

Telling the new believers goodbye was also quite hard. Lauren was incredible in all of this. I don´t know any other teammate who would be able to single-handedly throw a party for her teammate who was leaving, but Lauren did. I was able to explain to them that the reason and I am so thankful that I was able to do that, because I know that so many missionaries and pastors do not have that opportunity, and the people never truly know why they are leaving. 

While I know that God has great plans for me in Chorrillos, I am still very much in the middle of the grieving process and morning what I feel is a loss, but I know is something that in God´s eyes is something much bigger than I can imagine.

Wish I could tell you I was the super Christian who never doubts God and who always has the faith that God does know what´s best for His children. And while I do know this truth, and it´s easy to forget. Yeah, instead of feeling all of the right feelings, I was mad at God. I thought God, if you knew all along that you were going to call me to another part of Lima, why would have let me start a ministry with Lauren, live two years of my life in Ventanilla, make friends and see people come to know you and start growing in their faith? It was about that time that God reminded me that it was not MY ministry, not now, not ever, but His. Ouch. Reality check. God doesn´t ¨NEED¨ me. He can work with or without me.

Right, God might not need me, but He loves me so much more than just ¨needing¨me. He sees the whole picture, and that´s what makes this thing so beautiful. That he WANTS me, He DESIRES me, He longs for RELATIONSHIP with me. He wants the best for me, and He always sees the bigger picture, and so His calling me away from one thing and to something else is just part of the love story He is writing through my life.

So, that involves letting go on my part. Forgiveness of the things that, when I think about it, I really don´t have the right to be angry about. This ministry was never mine in the first place. It was always yours, Lord. These people were never mine either. They were always Yours.

So, my dear friends, I do ask for prayer during this time. I ask for prayer against the enemy that as thoughts of rejection, condemnation, competition or anything else that is not of God tries to invade either of our lives or the ministries God has let us be a part of. 

I ask for your prayers for Lauren during this time as she will be the senior leader of the ministry in Ventanilla. God has gifted her in so many ways she such a strong person, but it is hard being alone no matter who you are, or where you are. I ask that you pray that God continues to raise up strong leaders for what God is doing there, and that God would truly multiply Lauren´s time as she is pulled in so many different directions. (to see what God continues to do in Ventanilla, check out Lauren´s blog at www.laurenservinginperu.blogspot.com) 

I ask for prayer for myself, as I discover more about who God has called me to be and the callings and giftings He has placed inside of me. I ask for prayer as I work through the personal issues that have surfaced in my life, and that I let the Lord truly make me whole.

I ask for prayer for ministry in general, both in Ventanilla and in Chorrillos that God will be glorified, and that Satan would have no strong-hold in any of this.

I ask for prayer for all of the people involved in both ministries, that God would continue to focus their eyes not on an earthly leader, but on the Good Shepherd Himself. I ask for prayer as God begins new things in my life. That I would not be resistant to God-ordained change, but that I would accept it and live in true freedom. in my daily life. 

This time for me will not only be a time of healing, but also a time of God showing me and what my part of ministry within this team will look like.

None of us really get to ¨stop life¨ to deal with our issues, and it´s the same for the life of a missionary. So, as I look forward to doing ministry in a new setting and new location, raise the support I will need to live here, etc., I ask for prayer for the wisdom and strength as God continues to define who I am in Him, and specify those gifts and callings he´s placed inside of me, and how I am to minister to the people of Chorrillos.

I will write more about some of those things as well as more about the team I am now working with in the following posts. As always, thank you for reading and may the Lord bless you and keep you.