On Laughing and Joy

Mind jumbled full like scrabble letters waiting to be made into words. Beginning, middle and end parts of the day's activities scrambled together like the eggs I still needed to make for breakfast. 

The day is young, but but already exhausted by the broken record playing over of all the things needing to be accomplished by the time my head hits the pillow in exhaustion at the end of the day.

Then it hit. There we were, gathered there, praying one for another, and it hit. 

With a sense of mischief, a smirk.

"I want to play with you. Enjoy life with you." 

He knows I am playful. That I love more than anything to goof off, make jokes, laugh. 

It's one of my strengths, really. For most of my life, I have been known for my laugh.

The serious came later, with the grim looks and pointing fingers.

The serious was learned with time. The other thing- the joy thing-simply was.

One uncontrolled spout of the water-joy bursting up from the well of my soul, and every judgement, fear and insecurity is disarmed in a second. 

A simple thing that I often don't give a second thought.

And the most sought after treasure of the enemy of my soul. 

With time, I began offering You Cain-gifts instead of Abel-gifts. 
Gifts of labor and toiling instead of the offering back to You the very best of what You gave me.

And just as it was easier for Cain to give you something that he had done in his own strenth, it is easier for me to give you loads of freshly washed laundry, a to-do list fully checked, a ministry not lacking in personal effort, relationships fully invested in....

The truth is, I'd rather give You all of these things.

I 'd rather offer up these things to You than to sacrifice the perfect spot-less lamb that you first gave me.

That spot-less joy that I did nothing to deserve but that is so easily lost in the piles of dirty laundry, to-do lists un-checked. less-than-polished ministries, and imperfect friendships.

And so when the temptation to give you my works arises, I choose instead to give you my being. My time, all my attention, and to simply laugh with You.

I choose to laugh with You in the deep-down satisfaction of knowing that Your pleasure in me has nothing to do with what I have or have not achieved. 

I choose to offer You the sacrifice of joy, and in that joy, I am offering You my very being.

A painting I started working on a few days ago...still in the beginning stages.